Im too old for this

i honestly can not believe i have become that person, you know, the one who is constantly staring at their cell phone waiting for a text from "that" person. I am honestly too old for this. i have allowed this new generation to break my communication skills down. and believe me, my skills were already rather weak.

here i am, a nearly 50 year old woman who has a crush (crush, seriously? i feel dumb for even saying that!) on an older gentleman and all we have is a texting relationship. ya ya, there has been a date here and there with a few kisses but that is about it. I mean come on, what is this that we have going on. it is the daily niceties..."good night" "how is your day going" and then the good ol' "good night" with a cheesey emoticon. Seriously, has everyone lost the way to communicate like human beings?

It is like the constant state of limbo. Did i mention that this has been going on for six flippin months?!?! Well, it has and i am not sure what to do from here? Hell, like i said, i am almost 50...I'm too old for this!

When is the right time to ask the other person, where is this "thing" we have going...going?

Ugh, i am way too old for this! I just want to have a partner in crime and live the rest of my years in happy communicative bliss. Is that really too much to ask for?

Hello...Mr. Wonderful, are you out there

Is there really a Mr. Wonderful  out there?

As a single 49 year old, there isn't much to choose from. You see, the options either someone my age who in actuality is interested in someone half my age or the other option is someone 10 years my senior who is ready to retire and may not have "get up and go" that he used to. And I use the term get up and go loosely, if you know what I mean.

All I have to say is that it sucks!

In a nutshell, I have the above mentioned two men in my life right now and it has left me with a little, no, a lot of damn confusion.

First there is the forty something all around fun guy that is currently going thru that all too familiar divorce. We have been friends for several years and we really enjoy each others company (and i mean ENJOY) but now I am second guessing his motive and wondering if I have fallen into the "rebound". My Lord Im 49 and I'm worried about being a rebound...WHAT THE HELL!!! We're not in high school I am too old for this. But then again, I ain't getting any younger, beggars cant be choosers.

And then there is the 10 years (well its actually 12 but who is counting) my senior guy.Who happens to be one of the nicest men I have ever met in my tragically boring single years. Shoot, he even falls into the category of my classic "the one who got away" . He is that guy. He has a heart of gold and when he is a round I cant help but smile. I mean he is everything a woman can ask for. But, we are at a stagnant stage and I am so insecure about being the aggressive one. I wonder, is it the age difference. I mean when he was graduating high school, I was starting first grade. Damn it, there I go again...thinking too much. Over analyzing.

Denise, just have some damn fun. You deserve it!

Hmm...I have a plan, I should go by me one of those Magic8 balls. We relied so heavily on those in the 70s for all the right answers.

Smile...because life is too damn short!!!

It has been nearly six years since my son lost one of his best friends, Brandon. Its like I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was the mom that picked up four teenage boys one by one from their houses to attend his funeral. These were boys that I was used to toting around from skate park to skate park and they would fill my car with the stench of sweaty boys. But, that day was different. As they individually came out of their houses, they were neatly dressed. Some in ties other in pressed jeans and button downed shirts. Usually when they would be all rowdy and asking me to turn the radio up, but not this day. It was almost like they had turned into young men, young quiet respectful young men. I drove quietly, listening to them reminisce about Brandon. They laughed, a lot and that made my broken heart happy...for a brief moment.

One my wonder why I am writing about this today. You see, my son, Brody, now works at the skate parks in our city. Still doing what he and Brandon loved to do. Though he is older and on his own, there have been a few time were i have gone out there to take him dinner or even give him a ride home. Yesterday was one of those days. He needed a ride and as dropped him off a man got out of his car, walked over to him and said, "you're late". The man looked over at me smiled, waved and I drove off. I knew who he was but, i was at a loss for words. It was Brandon's dad, Mike. Here, I was dropping off my son with not a care in the world and then here is Mike, there to watch my son and strangers do what his son loved doing more than anything...ride bikes, skateboard and laugh.

I felt like coward for not talking to him. But in all honesty I don't know what to say. This isn't the first time this has happened either. And just like the times before, it is heavy on my heart for days. I have decided that next time, i will take the time to park my car, get out and talk to him. My words to Mike don't have to be deep, they just have to be sincere and from the heart.

No, I don't know what he is feeling but what I do know is that my son Brody was one of his best friends and Brandon's dad takes the time out of his day to come and watch him. He does this not because he has to but because he wants to.

Rest in peace, Brandon and thank you for watching over my son. You are (not were) a great friend!

The video below was Brandon's favorite song. He would sing it at the top of his lungs without a care in the world. The played it with a montage of photos at his funeral. I will never again be able to hear this song without thinking of him.

I left my heart...

Took a last minute trip to San Francisco. Couldn't think of a better way to start off the new year. Of course I stopped off at Tiffany to try on my dream ring. Yes, it is just as beautify as I remembered. As night fell upon the city I left Union Square and drove to Twin Peaks to watch as the city lit up like a Christmas tree. It was breathtaking, a picture I will never get tired of.

My daughter and her friend went with me. Oh, to be 18 again and freshman in college. My biggest joy of this trip was listening to them talk of dreams and aspirations. I wanted them to feel free to talk so I just listened and offered no advice. Today, I wanted to be one of the girls...not mom.

Overall, it was an outstanding trip. Can't wait to do it again.

Health wise...I hung in there. Did all the driving myself and didn't feel any discomfort until the last half hour. Victory is mine RA. You're going to have to find someone else to pick on.